If only this was real life, and not satire!
"Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were cited
as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure,
unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death
of an unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident
Sunday."
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4121&n=1
GB
--
"The great Australian dream - Melbourne in the rear view mirror!"
Pisshead Pete on aus.moto
Loz wrote:
>
> Can you snip and post? Only got groups access...
> :)
> Loz
he did.
Nev..
'03 ZX12R
Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 14:36:17 +1000
Loz wrote:
>
> Oh, that was the whole thing?
NO, but it's the paragraph with the phrase mentioned in the headline. If you
want to read the whole article you should be sorting out internet access, not
pissing about in a motorcycle forum :P
Nev..
'03 ZX12R
"Nev.." <idiot@no-spam> wrote in news:4293FDC0.6D688DE0@no-spam
> Loz wrote:
>> Can you snip and post? Only got groups access...
> he did.
I didn't actually, but I don't reply to web-posters who don't
quote what they're replying to unless its to pay them out about
web posting without quoting what they're replying to.
GB, there were actually about eight paragraphs of quite funny
onion at that link, and a picture.
"Loz" <lozzobear@no-spam> wrote in news:1116996389.894413.239470
@no-spam
> Not even *remotely* possible.
> I'm lucky to have found this loophole :)
Oh, ok then...
Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death
WHEATLEY, AR—Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment were
cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure,
unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an
unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.
Above: The scene of the idiotic accident.
"We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence of
being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence told
reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer
cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we're
not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error
didn't play their parts—but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit."
The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just north
of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.
A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such
details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both
hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal,
preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery
lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."
Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his
13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.
"As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can
feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When
you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the
still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illegal
fireworks—well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."
Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficult
for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, the
cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."
"See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a mere
six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle
doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two
leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway through
the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one hand
and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."
"The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd penciled
in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spent
a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head at
what a dumbass this guy was."
Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of
events, it appears that the driver—drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and
leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring
plant—saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to
accelerate and beat it to the intersection.
"I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons,"
Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an
oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray
containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof
Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest.
Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a
spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge.
Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching,
veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into
the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it,
let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and
leave it at that."
The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family,
which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the
Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces
Everclear.
GB wrote:
> =
> "Loz" <lozzobear@no-spam> wrote in news:1116996389.894413.239470
> @no-spam
> > Not even *remotely* possible.
> > I'm lucky to have found this loophole :)
> =
> Oh, ok then...
> =
> Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death
> =
> WHEATLEY, AR=97Although reckless driving and minor driver impairment we=
re
> cited as additional factors, police investigators ruled pure,
> unadulterated stupidity as the primary cause in the death of an
> unlicensed motorist involved in a single-car accident Sunday.
> =
> Above: The scene of the idiotic accident.
> =
> "We're fairly positive the deceased was operating under the influence o=
f
> being an unbelievable dumbass," forensic investigator Evan Lawrence tol=
d
> reporters at the scene, a stretch of road littered with SUV parts, beer=
> cans, food containers, fishing equipment, and pornography. "I mean, we'=
re
> not saying alcohol, fatigue, poor vehicle maintenance, and driver error=
> didn't play their parts=97but mainly, that driver was a goddamn dipshit=
=2E"
> =
> The violent and inane mishap occurred at approximately 4 p.m., just nor=
th
> of town, where Highway 63 passes beneath the railroad bridge.
> =
> A 25-page accident report released to the press Tuesday contained such
> details as "leg hooked through steering wheel so driver could use both
> hands to light cigarette,""handgun case slid under brake pedal,
> preventing it from being adequately engaged," and "carotid artery
> lacerated by bottle-opener bolted to dashboard."
> =
> Deputy Craig Zemke of the Lee County Highway Patrol said nothing in his=
> 13 years on the force prepared him for the moronic things he saw.
> =
> "As soon as we rolled up, I turned to my partner and said, 'Jake, I can=
> feel it in my bones: This is gonna be a stupid one,'" Zemke said. "When=
> you approach an accident scene and see an inflatable doll stuck in the
> still-smoldering branches of a tree littered with the remnants of illeg=
al
> fireworks=97well, you know you're in for an idiotic sight."
> =
> Zemke's partner Jake Mills explained that, although it is often difficu=
lt
> for investigators to ascertain what might have triggered an accident, t=
he
> cause of Sunday's accident was "immediately and pathetically obvious."
> =
> "See, usually, the vehicle's sudden-braking skid marks don't start a me=
re
> six feet from the concrete pillar," Mills said. "Usually, the vehicle
> doesn't have a gas tank held to its frame by a bungee cord and two
> leather belts. And, in almost all cases, the driver isn't halfway throu=
gh
> the windshield with a half-bottle of Everclear grain alcohol in one han=
d
> and an electric nose-hair trimmer in the other."
> =
> "The police cruiser hadn't even stopped rolling by the time I'd pencile=
d
> in 'stupidity' under 'cause of death,'" Mills added. "After that, I spe=
nt
> a few hours taking measurements, snapping photos, and shaking my head a=
t
> what a dumbass this guy was."
> =
> Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of
> events, it appears that the driver=97drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and
> leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring
> plant=97saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to
> accelerate and beat it to the intersection.
> =
> "I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons,"
> Lawrence said. "First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an
> oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray
> containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proo=
f
> Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest.
> Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a
> spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge.
> Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching,
> veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into
> the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it,=
> let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death an=
d
> leave it at that."
> =
> The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family=
,
> which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, th=
e
> Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produc=
es
> Everclear.
See.. it wasn't worth all the effort after all.
Nev..
'03 ZX12R
In article <1116991416.860094.269400@no-spam>,
"Loz" <lozzobear@no-spam> wrote:
> Can you snip and post? Only got groups access...
So you're using googlegroups lame web based
not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
to a url?
*boggle!*
big (off to set a googlegroups killfile...)
--
On my tombstone they will carve, "IT NEVER GOT FAST
ENOUGH FOR ME."' - Hunter S Thompson, 1937-2005 RIP
Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 16:27:35 +1000
Random IQ tests, that would save lives!
Oh, sorry, I forgot, it's not illegal to be totally fucking stupid.....
(in fact, many organisations seem to prize that quality)
regards,
CrazyCam
Date: Wed, 25 May 2005 16:38:52 +1000
CrazyCam wrote:
> Random IQ tests, that would save lives!
>
> Oh, sorry, I forgot, it's not illegal to be totally fucking stupid.....
> (in fact, many organisations seem to prize that quality)
Why does *everyone* have a go at the Liberal Party......
Moike
Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>
> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
> to a url?
Probably Hamish.
-----sharks
On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
> Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>>
>> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
>> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
>> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
>> to a url?
>
> Probably Hamish.
>
> -----sharks
You won't catch me with my trousers!!
Hammo
In article <BEBA69F3.55C4%hammo@no-spam>,
Hamish Alker-Jones <hammo@no-spam> wrote:
> On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
> going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
>
> > Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
> >>
> >> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
> >> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
> >> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
> >> to a url?
> >
> > Probably Hamish.
> >
> > -----sharks
>
> You won't catch me with my trousers!!
But we won't _chase_ you without your trousers, Hammo!
big (well, maybe BT will if you ask nicely...)
--
On my tombstone they will carve, "IT NEVER GOT FAST
ENOUGH FOR ME."' - Hunter S Thompson, 1937-2005 RIP
CrazyCam wrote:
> Random IQ tests, that would save lives!
So, instead of a Booze Bus with .05 painted in big numbers we could have an
IQ Bus with 55 on it?
Theo
On 25/5/05 6:04 PM, in reference to
bigiain-CB8FA4.18043125052005@no-spam going by the name of "Iain
Chalmers" <bigiain@no-spam> wrote the following:
> In article <BEBA69F3.55C4%hammo@no-spam>,
> Hamish Alker-Jones <hammo@no-spam> wrote:
>
>> On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
>> going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>
>>> Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>>>>
>>>> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
>>>> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
>>>> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
>>>> to a url?
>>>
>>> Probably Hamish.
>>>
>>> -----sharks
>>
>> You won't catch me with my trousers!!
>
> But we won't _chase_ you without your trousers, Hammo!
>
Errr, you missed the fishtank....
Hammo
Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 14:47:32 +1000
Hamish Alker-Jones wrote:
>
>
> On 25/5/05 6:04 PM, in reference to
> bigiain-CB8FA4.18043125052005@no-spam going by the name of "Iain
> Chalmers" <bigiain@no-spam> wrote the following:
>
>
>>In article <BEBA69F3.55C4%hammo@no-spam>,
>> Hamish Alker-Jones <hammo@no-spam> wrote:
>>
>>
>>>On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
>>>going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>>
>>>
>>>>Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
>>>>> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
>>>>> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
>>>>> to a url?
>>>>
>>>>Probably Hamish.
>>>>
>>>>-----sharks
>>>
>>>You won't catch me with my trousers!!
>>
>>But we won't _chase_ you without your trousers, Hammo!
>>
>
> Errr, you missed the fishtank....
>
> Hammo
>
er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
(not very anxious) Moike
Moike wrote:
> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
I think it's more what he's on than about, Moike.
--
Pete ....I want the drugs that killed River Pheonix!
The journey IS the destination.
Date: Thu, 26 May 2005 21:01:12 +1000
Moike wrote:
> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
When you think you know what he's on about is the time to start worrying.
Nev..
'03 ZX12R
"Moike" <bmwmoike@no-spam> wrote:
> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> on about?
I reckon he's on about 100 milligrams but I think he should up the dose!!
Clem
(We luvs yer Hambone!)
Nev.. wrote:
> Moike wrote:
>
>
>>er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
>>on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>
>
> When you think you know what he's on about is the time to start worrying.
>
Yah... thinking about Kathy will just make you jealous anyway ;-)
G-S
Sayeth Moike <bmwmoike@no-spam>:
>
> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
We can't stop here! This is bat country!
-----sharks
In article <slrnd9boma.ial.sharkey@no-spam>,
sharkey <sharkey@no-spam> wrote:
> Sayeth Moike <bmwmoike@no-spam>:
> >
> > er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> > on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>
> We can't stop here! This is bat country!
Its your turn to drive.
big
--
On my tombstone they will carve, "IT NEVER GOT FAST
ENOUGH FOR ME."' - Hunter S Thompson, 1937-2005 RIP
On 26/5/05 2:47 PM, in article 429554e3$0$79463$14726298@no-spam
"Moike" <bmwmoike@no-spam> wrote:
> Hamish Alker-Jones wrote:
>>
>>
>> On 25/5/05 6:04 PM, in reference to
>> bigiain-CB8FA4.18043125052005@no-spam going by the name of "Iain
>> Chalmers" <bigiain@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>
>>
>>> In article <BEBA69F3.55C4%hammo@no-spam>,
>>> Hamish Alker-Jones <hammo@no-spam> wrote:
>>>
>>>
>>>> On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to
>>>> slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
>>>> going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> So you're using googlegroups lame web based
>>>>>> not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
>>>>>> top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
>>>>>> to a url?
>>>>>
>>>>> Probably Hamish.
>>>>>
>>>>> -----sharks
>>>>
>>>> You won't catch me with my trousers!!
>>>
>>> But we won't _chase_ you without your trousers, Hammo!
>>>
>>
>> Errr, you missed the fishtank....
>>
>> Hammo
>>
> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>
> (not very anxious) Moike
Watch out for the special branch!
Hammo
On 26/5/05 7:57 PM, in article
R3hle.1736$BR4.976@no-spam "Pisshead Pete"
<farkoffyouidiots@no-spam> wrote:
> Moike wrote:
>
>> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
>> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>
> I think it's more what he's on than about, Moike.
>
Close, but no risotto for you.
Hammo
On 26/5/05 10:20 PM, in article 4295bf19_2@no-spam "Knobdoodle"
<knobdoodle@no-spam> wrote:
> "Moike" <bmwmoike@no-spam> wrote:
>> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
>> on about?
> I reckon he's on about 100 milligrams but I think he should up the dose!!
> Clem
> (We luvs yer Hambone!)
>
>
If only I had something funny to saying about "upping things".
Hi Clem, I too have missed your presence and the doorway dancing it
inspires.
Hammo
PS I didn't get it from Tescos
On 27/5/05 1:17 AM, in article slrnd9boma.ial.sharkey@no-spam
"sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote:
> Sayeth Moike <bmwmoike@no-spam>:
>>
>> er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
>> on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>
> We can't stop here! This is bat country!
>
> -----sharks
I still have the photos of you and the Dean, Sharkey boy.
Hammo
Hamish Alker-Jones wrote:
>
>
> On 26/5/05 2:47 PM, in article 429554e3$0$79463$14726298@no-spam
> "Moike" <bmwmoike@no-spam> wrote:
>
>
>>Hamish Alker-Jones wrote:
>>
>>>
>>>On 25/5/05 6:04 PM, in reference to
>>>bigiain-CB8FA4.18043125052005@no-spam going by the name of "Iain
>>>Chalmers" <bigiain@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>>In article <BEBA69F3.55C4%hammo@no-spam>,
>>>>Hamish Alker-Jones <hammo@no-spam> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>On 25/5/05 5:17 PM, in reference to
>>>>>slrnd98883.697.sharkey@no-spam
>>>>>going by the name of "sharkey" <sharkey@no-spam> wrote the following:
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Sayeth Iain Chalmers <bigiain@no-spam>:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>So you're using googlegroups lame web based
>>>>>>>not-really-a-newsreader-interface (which is why you're spewing un quoted
>>>>>>>top-posted crap into this newsgroup), yet you're claiming you cant link
>>>>>>>to a url?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Probably Hamish.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>-----sharks
>>>>>
>>>>>You won't catch me with my trousers!!
>>>>
>>>>But we won't _chase_ you without your trousers, Hammo!
>>>>
>>>
>>>Errr, you missed the fishtank....
>>>
>>>Hammo
>>>
>>
>>er.. Just as a matter of interest, does anyone else know what Hamish is
>>on about? Should I be concerned about my comprehension shortfall?
>>
>>(not very anxious) Moike
>
>
> Watch out for the special branch!
>
Yah, I found that out when I was riding the trail bike... they bloody hurt!
G-S
